Dec 4th 2014, 6:03:18
Anyone who knows me knows of my ability to go on rants about the most inane topics. I'm a contrarian by nature. Today I will showcase my ability to go on a rant about how evil some seemingly random harmless aspect of American culture is. Today's topic is: Lush Green Lawns!
As usual, I will start off with an intentionally inflammatory statement that precludes the possibility of changing anyone's mind. America's obsession with lush green lawns is one of the best examples of what is wrong with American culture.
And then I will weave an argument filled with facts and sound logic to give a convincing diatribe that will convince the weak-minded reader to agree with me.
Americans have an obsession with green lawns. (See, I told you I'd start off with facts). Although this fascination predates the 1950s, it is best captured by the culture of the 1950s, by the phrase "keeping up with the Joneses". A green lawn represents success. A green lawn represents social status. There's another phrase indicating how important a green lawn is: "the grass is always greener on the other side". This phrase indicates the fundamental American traits of never being satisfied with what you have (i.e. greed), and of envying what your neighbor has. For a "Christian" country, having greed and envy being such a major part of our culture does make us look decidedly unchristian. Ironically, the 1950s was the decade where anti-Communist sentiment was the strongest, and in our "love for God and country", our culture embraced materialism, greed, and the relentless pursuit of social status. In our show of how "Christian" our country was, we became obsessed with the accumulation of wealth in this world. And what better way to show off your material success than to have a lawn that is greener than your neighbor's lawn?
Another key quality about Americans is our love for being wasteful. We love consuming things at an unmatched rate. We love throwing things away. The rate that we produce trash is incredible. Green lawns are an excellent example of our wastefulness. There are many useful things one can do with their land. One could have a vegetable garden and grow food. That's actually against the law in some places in the US. One could just grow flowers for their beauty and smell. One could keep trees to prevent erosion, to create shade, and to help the environment. You could even keep trees that produce food and grow your own apples or pears, while also having the environmental benefits of trees. Or if you absolutely want to have a green lawn, you could use the lawn for grazing animals like goats, sheep, or cattle. But do you think a millionaire would want to have cattle grazing on their front lawn? Can you imagine someone living in Potomac in a neighborhood filled with million dollar mansions being permitted by their neighbors to keep animals in their front yard? Of course not.
Why do Americans not grow their own food, or keep grazing animals on their land? Because growing your own food is a sign of being poor. It's believed to indicate that you are so poor that you cannot afford to purchase food, and that you need to grow it instead. If a beautiful big lush green lawn is seen as a sign of success, then growing your own food is a sign of not having success. If we had the choice between doing something useful with our land that makes us look poor, or doing something wasteful with our land that makes us look rich, it's a very easy choice for Americans. They make the wrong choice without hesitation.
Grassy lawns aren't just completely useless, they're actually wasteful. They are literally a drain on our resources. Grassy lawns need to be mowed regularly. If your lawn isn't kept freshly mowed and properly maintained, it indicates that you don't have the money to afford paying landscapers to keep your land looking wealthy and useless. So you'll pay hispanics (who you want to leave the country, even though they are the ones who do all the jobs us white people don't want to do) to do your landscaping for you. And they'll use lawn mowers burning fossil fuels to keep your lawn looking pristine. Because you can't have your neighbors seeing you with grass that is three inches tall. What would the neighbors think???
And if you do happen to have some trees in the area, these trees will have the nasty habit of losing their leaves every autumn and nourishing the ground with excellent fertilizer. But you'll again pay landscapers to gather up all of this natural fertilizer and to put it in piles by the street where it will get picked up and taken somewhere that you won't be able to see it. Because decaying leaves can't be anywhere near your house. That'd be a sign of poverty. So instead we burn a bunch of fossil fuels to hide these decaying leaves from sight.
Possibly the most offensive thing about green lawns is their water usage, especially in drought stricken areas. Grass requires an incredible amount of water to look lush and green. No one wants to have a lawn that is yellow or brown, and looks sparse. That would make it look like you can't afford to pay your water bill to artificially water your lawn when the rainfall is not sufficient for healthy grass.
And while the rich people in the suburbs with their big green lawns in drought stricken areas are flaunting their wealth, you'll have poor people in cities and poor farmers in the country needing drinking water or water for their crops. And the media controlled by rich people tells them to blame the other poor people for taking all the water. The number of big green lawns in southern California that are unaffected by drought, while farmers are without irrigation water is depressing.
Because they have money and can afford to pay higher water prices to maintain their lawns, the social status symbol of the lush green lawn of the rich person is safe, while the poor person that can't afford high water prices for their drinking water or irrigation water is screwed. The beauty of America's capitalist system and of the free market of supply and demand is that the water goes to where the money is. And in America, where is the money? The money is tied up in the wasteful status symbols of the rich.
That is why the big lush green lawn is the epitome of American culture. It is wasteful and materialistic. It represents our obsession with social status and our disinterest in utility, ecology, or sustainability.
That concludes my rant against American culture, by way of a seemingly completely innocuous item such as the common grassy lawn. If I've failed to convince you of the evils of green lawns, have I at least been able to convince you that my ability to post an insulting and provocative rant about the most random topic is unmatched?
How can I be humble when I am this awesome at doing something as completely useless like posting an offensive and pointless rant on the internet on a subject that no one cares about? I hope you've enjoyed this TLDR post.
As usual, I will start off with an intentionally inflammatory statement that precludes the possibility of changing anyone's mind. America's obsession with lush green lawns is one of the best examples of what is wrong with American culture.
And then I will weave an argument filled with facts and sound logic to give a convincing diatribe that will convince the weak-minded reader to agree with me.
Americans have an obsession with green lawns. (See, I told you I'd start off with facts). Although this fascination predates the 1950s, it is best captured by the culture of the 1950s, by the phrase "keeping up with the Joneses". A green lawn represents success. A green lawn represents social status. There's another phrase indicating how important a green lawn is: "the grass is always greener on the other side". This phrase indicates the fundamental American traits of never being satisfied with what you have (i.e. greed), and of envying what your neighbor has. For a "Christian" country, having greed and envy being such a major part of our culture does make us look decidedly unchristian. Ironically, the 1950s was the decade where anti-Communist sentiment was the strongest, and in our "love for God and country", our culture embraced materialism, greed, and the relentless pursuit of social status. In our show of how "Christian" our country was, we became obsessed with the accumulation of wealth in this world. And what better way to show off your material success than to have a lawn that is greener than your neighbor's lawn?
Another key quality about Americans is our love for being wasteful. We love consuming things at an unmatched rate. We love throwing things away. The rate that we produce trash is incredible. Green lawns are an excellent example of our wastefulness. There are many useful things one can do with their land. One could have a vegetable garden and grow food. That's actually against the law in some places in the US. One could just grow flowers for their beauty and smell. One could keep trees to prevent erosion, to create shade, and to help the environment. You could even keep trees that produce food and grow your own apples or pears, while also having the environmental benefits of trees. Or if you absolutely want to have a green lawn, you could use the lawn for grazing animals like goats, sheep, or cattle. But do you think a millionaire would want to have cattle grazing on their front lawn? Can you imagine someone living in Potomac in a neighborhood filled with million dollar mansions being permitted by their neighbors to keep animals in their front yard? Of course not.
Why do Americans not grow their own food, or keep grazing animals on their land? Because growing your own food is a sign of being poor. It's believed to indicate that you are so poor that you cannot afford to purchase food, and that you need to grow it instead. If a beautiful big lush green lawn is seen as a sign of success, then growing your own food is a sign of not having success. If we had the choice between doing something useful with our land that makes us look poor, or doing something wasteful with our land that makes us look rich, it's a very easy choice for Americans. They make the wrong choice without hesitation.
Grassy lawns aren't just completely useless, they're actually wasteful. They are literally a drain on our resources. Grassy lawns need to be mowed regularly. If your lawn isn't kept freshly mowed and properly maintained, it indicates that you don't have the money to afford paying landscapers to keep your land looking wealthy and useless. So you'll pay hispanics (who you want to leave the country, even though they are the ones who do all the jobs us white people don't want to do) to do your landscaping for you. And they'll use lawn mowers burning fossil fuels to keep your lawn looking pristine. Because you can't have your neighbors seeing you with grass that is three inches tall. What would the neighbors think???
And if you do happen to have some trees in the area, these trees will have the nasty habit of losing their leaves every autumn and nourishing the ground with excellent fertilizer. But you'll again pay landscapers to gather up all of this natural fertilizer and to put it in piles by the street where it will get picked up and taken somewhere that you won't be able to see it. Because decaying leaves can't be anywhere near your house. That'd be a sign of poverty. So instead we burn a bunch of fossil fuels to hide these decaying leaves from sight.
Possibly the most offensive thing about green lawns is their water usage, especially in drought stricken areas. Grass requires an incredible amount of water to look lush and green. No one wants to have a lawn that is yellow or brown, and looks sparse. That would make it look like you can't afford to pay your water bill to artificially water your lawn when the rainfall is not sufficient for healthy grass.
And while the rich people in the suburbs with their big green lawns in drought stricken areas are flaunting their wealth, you'll have poor people in cities and poor farmers in the country needing drinking water or water for their crops. And the media controlled by rich people tells them to blame the other poor people for taking all the water. The number of big green lawns in southern California that are unaffected by drought, while farmers are without irrigation water is depressing.
Because they have money and can afford to pay higher water prices to maintain their lawns, the social status symbol of the lush green lawn of the rich person is safe, while the poor person that can't afford high water prices for their drinking water or irrigation water is screwed. The beauty of America's capitalist system and of the free market of supply and demand is that the water goes to where the money is. And in America, where is the money? The money is tied up in the wasteful status symbols of the rich.
That is why the big lush green lawn is the epitome of American culture. It is wasteful and materialistic. It represents our obsession with social status and our disinterest in utility, ecology, or sustainability.
That concludes my rant against American culture, by way of a seemingly completely innocuous item such as the common grassy lawn. If I've failed to convince you of the evils of green lawns, have I at least been able to convince you that my ability to post an insulting and provocative rant about the most random topic is unmatched?
How can I be humble when I am this awesome at doing something as completely useless like posting an offensive and pointless rant on the internet on a subject that no one cares about? I hope you've enjoyed this TLDR post.
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