Dec 4th 2023, 18:51:01
I have a pretty good Xmas story.
The year was 1999, a group of friends and I were in high school, and we all had a mutual Mormon friend.
Being idiots, we were pretty ignorant on anything to do with Mormons or their religion. So, we thought that they didn't celebrate Christmas. Being the good friends we were, we decided to do something about it.
December 15th - Our Mormon friend leaves with his family to visit their family in Utah. They will return on December 24th.
December 17th - We get together, just a few of us. Decided that our neighbors had way too many decorations. So, we borrowed a few here and a few there. We did this for the next couple hours over I would say a 5-mile radius. And we decorated our deprived Mormon friend's house. We got done around 2AM or so and felt pretty good about spreading holiday cheer.
December 18th - Wake up pretty late in the morning. Drive out to see the house during the day. ALL decorations were missing. We sneak around the yard, and we notice they are all inside. Left feeling extremely confused and decided that they must have had someone check on the house to make sure it was fine while they were out. Evening comes around and we all meet up again. Discuss the issue at hand. Came to the conclusion that the ONLY way to have our poor deprived heathen Mormon friend get a Christmas is to wait until the evening of Dec 23rd and do it again.
December 19th-22nd - Plans made. Areas of greatest overwhelming ratio of decorations per house reconned.
December 23rd - We reach out to a few more people. We have about 12 people involved at this point. All in 4x vehicles. We start at roughly 11PM. The new area is about a 25-mile radius. We finish at about 4AM. We brought extension cords, power strips, rope, tape, etc. Let's just say, when we were done decorating this house you could see it from space it was so damn bright.
December 24th - Sleep in. Feel good about our good deed done. Message our Mormon buddy over AOL IM (like what is that?) and ask him about his vacation. His response, and I will never forget it to this day. "I know what you did. Never speak of it again". I respond to him. "haha. What do you mean?" He doesn't respond. I relay this message to all other participants.
December 25th - December 26th - We fluff bricks. Don't hear from our buddy at all. It has gone radio silent.
December 27th - I get a phone call from one of the other "culprits". "DUDE TURN ON THE NEWS". There it was. "LARGEST CHRISTMAS HEIST IN (CITY WE LIVED IN) HISTORY". The piece was great. Here is a little snippet:
Old man "Why would anyone do this?"
White mom "Is this what Christmas has come to now?"
Old black lady "You know how long it took for me to find a black Jesus that lights up?"
Little girl "I just want my Santa back" *CRIES*
Reporter "The detective is on the case. But if you are missing anything please call this number (###) ### - ####"
December 28th-January 2nd - We all pretty much fluff bricks. Some of us had turned 18 that year (not me thankfully). Didn't know what we were going to do. Stayed inside. None of us spoke to each other. Figured our Mormon friend was going to rat us all out. Some of us, who had GF's, tried to get some before a life in prison started. I personally was denied because my GF at the time wanted to wait until we were married. HA. This is what I get for being a good Christian boy spreading the spirit of Christmas.
January 3rd - Return to school. We all meet up during lunch. Mormon buddy comes up smiling. "What's up guys? Did you hear?". We responded "WTF you talking about. Our life is over just because your parents hate you and don't give you presents". He responds "No man. 1st off, we do celebrate Christmas but that is a different story. Two chicks got pinned on the robbery. They arrested them over the weekend". Our response "YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!"
Conclusion and clarifications.
1. Yes. I do now know that Mormons DO celebrate Christmas. But I grew up a middle child in SoCal. I skateboarded, smoked weed & failed to get laid more than a handful of times until HS was over. Give me a break on Mormon history.
2. This is a 100% true story. I didn't sample it in any way from the internet. My buddy's mom still has the newspaper article.
3. The (2) girls who got caught, though were innocent of the big heist, had stolen decorations and kept them in their garage. They lived with their Grandma and their Grandma saw the news story and ratted them out. I do not know what happened to them. Probably ruined their lives. But pretty hilarious.
4. We technically never "stole" anything. We really only relocated items. And to our knowledge most of the items that were relocated had been returned to their rightful owner. At least that is how I sleep at night thinking of it.
5. Yes. I do expect to have my decorations stolen or destroyed at some point in my life. No. I will not be upset.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!! HOPE YOU ENJOYED A PAGE OUT OF MY LIFE.