I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.
I was at a casino, standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I got a belt on that's holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don't know what's really happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
I hate sandwiches at New York delis, there's too much fluffing meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "What would you like sir?" "A pastrami sandwich." "Anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people."
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.