How to Convince MAGA Cretins to Fear Climate Change
Hey, you got friends or relatives who think Donald Trump is the greatest man in the history of forever (except, of course, for Jesus Christ because he's the Lord or some such fluff)? You tired of their "climate change is fake news made up by Big Science for that sweet grant money" nonsense? You gotta learn to speak their language. You gotta learn to play on their fears. And you can do that pretty easily.
Let's do this fluff quick and nasty.
1. Tell 'em that climate change is gonna make a whole lot more immigrants come to this country.
"Yeah, that's right, Cousin Skeeter. When there are droughts and hurricanes hitting El Salvador, the people aren't gonna just sit there and die. They're all gonna get the fluff outta el dodge-o and get somewhere that's safer. You think there are a lot of people caravanning now? You throw in some fires and floods and biblical fluff, and you're gonna get a couple million people walking up north to escape it. So if you're mad about all them Messicans speaking Spanish down at the Piggly Wiggly, Skeeter, you better tell your congressman to get his ass out of Exxon's back pocket and start cleaning the air up or your little girl Liberty there is gonna have to learn to habla some espanol."
2. Tell 'em that climate change is bringing in tropical diseases.
"Hey, Aunt Jane-Bob, you better be careful when you're giggin' fer critters out there in the swamp to make your famous frog fritters for Christmas because climate change has made the mosquitoes and bitin' bugs able to make you even sicker. Yeah, there's gonna be more lyme disease and West Nile and all kinds of terrible illnesses. You tell Uncle Ricky-Bob to be care of the deer ticks when he's out huntin'. And because things have gotten so bad so fast, we're gettin' diseases from those fluffhole countries, things like malaria and Dengue fever and stuff that'll make you fluff yourself for so long that you'll be praying for the Lord to take you."
3. Tell 'em that climate change is gonna get rid of their favorite places.
"You know how you like to take your family every year to Myrtle Beach, Lil' Brother Floyd? How you remember how our daddy took us and his daddy took him? Yeah, I miss those trips with the house right on the beach. And the best part is how you get to drive your truck up and down the shore. It don't get no better 'n that, right, Floyd? Well, if we don't turn things around, Myrtle Beach is gonna be fluffed. fluffed bad. All those houses are gonna be washed away. Yeah, it ain't just liberals in California and New York and New Jersey gettin' ass-fluffed by rising seas and wildfires. Daytona. Gulf Shores. They'll be underwater. The forest where you like to hunt wild boar in North Carolina? They're gettin' hit by fires. Some of your favorite spots ain't gonna be there anymore. Your son, Floydy-T, he won't be able to bring his family back to Myrtle Beach when he's all growed because there won't be a Myrtle Beach."
Now, you may ask how you get them to believe there is even such a thing as climate change. Well, after you lay out the immigrant-filled, disease-rampant, no Myrtle Beach future, you ask them, "If 98 people told you that if you just sit still and do nothing, a big ol' grizzly bear is gonna fluff you in the face, but 2 people said, 'Well, there is a grizzly bear, but we don't believe he's gonna fluff you in the face,' would you just sit still and wait to see if the grizzly bear fluffs your face? Hell, no. You'd get the fluff out of there. Even if you wanna swallow grizzly bear jizz, it's not gonna go well because it's a grizzly bear. fluffing your face."
There you go, people. A handy guide to keep on your phones, in a message marked, "In case of moron, open."