Jun 12th 2011, 20:03:18
Beefhawk
Member Jan 4th 11:41 PM
This is Rigor Mortis - A history
Whenever some would-be pundit lists the top 5 alliances in Earth History, there is always one name that we can count on seeing near the top of every list: Rigor Mortis (RM)
But, how much do you REALLY know about this most legendary and most feared of all 1A allainces? That's a question I've often asked myself, and I think I finally have an answer: a lot.
During the past few weeks, when it may have seemed that I was merely busy with real life and vacations and stuff, I've actually been wallowing through hundreds of archived posts, interviewing scores of legendary heroes and villians, and slowly untangling the threads of history.
So, ladies and homos, without further humping...
This is RIGOR MORTIS!
As you all may know, Rigor Mortis was founded by the now retired SeaMonkey about 10 resets ago now... it was his fifth attempt at a startup alliance.
Here is his announcement, posted soon after his unprecedented 7th retirement.
*******************
"RIGOR MORTIS IS SETTING IN"
Many of you have proclaimed my Earth 2025 leadership career dead. Seven resets and five failed alliances later, I'm ready to agree with you. As far as Earth 2025 is concerned, SeaMonkey has been proclaimed legally deceased.
That can mean only one thing, it's time for RIGOR MORTIS to finally set in.
I've learned from my previous failures (especially the third debacle), and am going to put all my money into one final attempt at creating a top alliance. We will be founded upon the following principles:
1) RM will be completely rigid, for obvious reasons. This isn't going to be a group of friends, this isn't going to be a tea party. This is going to be a well-greased supermachine. We're already dead, we don't have time for all the silly stuff.
2) I will be ruling RM with an iron fish. You don't comply, you'll be troutslapped.
3) Winning is the best thing ever. It's even better than those huge hot air balloon competitions where they have balloons shaped like various adult beverages.
I don't expect many veterans to join this venture, I realize that they may not be too happy about some of my previous alliances... it'll be their loss. Actually, it's already their loss. I'm dead.
-SeaMonkey
******************
Replies to this thread were good readin', the following post by "Bagellan" is a good example:
******************
SeaMonkey-
This time you've gone too far. In the beginning, you had promise. We tolerated you because you were eager and might have made something useful. After a few alliances and retirements, we tolerated you for the same reason one tolerates a trained monkey or a WWF wrassler: it's kinda fun to watch them be real dumb and get their brains bashed out. But now, you're just pathetic.
It'll go just like the last few: you'll recruit on AT, recruit ingame, and get a little clan together. You'll whine about farming. You'll declare war on an alliance thirty two times your size. You and all your members will be forcibly emasculated. Humiliated, you'll abandon your alliance and retire.
It's getting old.
-Bags
*****************
Following this announcement, Rigor Mortis and SeaMonkey simply vanished from AT. They were forgotton until a reset later, when a curious apparition appeared in the top 25 ANW listings. Those curious enough to visit e1.eesite.com/clans/RM.htm were mildly suprised to see 45 members, a respectable average, and a top 500 country named "Brine Shrimp don't get Rigor Mortis (#3229)."
As reset later, anyone looking in the top 25 TNW charts would have seen RM somewhere in the high teens. There were 70 members, led by "This Brine Shrimp is still pliable (#317)." Still not one stiffened corpse was seen on AT, a fellow couldn't even find an FA contact.
Curious about these early resets of silence, I interrogated SeaMonkey.
*****************
Beefhawk: Where WERE y'all during those first two resets?
SeaMonkey: Physically, I was in my friend's apartment, on the computer. Remember the "guy on the couch" in half baked? That was me, only I was the "guy on the computer." I lived on a stockpile of cracker-jacks and Tang. Those first two resets, I recruited and trained every member of Rigor Mortis. I was the only veteran, I was the only place the n00bs came for help or guidance. I built RM on my shoulders in those six months.
Beefhawk: You were the only veteran?
SeaMonkey: Unless you count a few tumbleweeds rolling through... I think there's about 25 vets who simply hop from start-up to startup... I got my share of them. Annoying little beggars, want top spots, all that... then they leave after eight days, leaving only an angry and profanity-based farewell post.
Beefhawk: I'd heard that SeaMonkeys were easy to train, did you amaze your family and friends?
SeaMonkey: I vanished from real life for that time. My family and friends were all on ICQ trying to learn an effective low-acre dict-casher. I think my friends were amazed, at least initially. They'd forget about me for weeks on end, then rediscover me at the computer. Basic sanitation would have required too much time away from the comp, instead I just rinsed in turpentine on occasion. Those were strange times.
Beefhawk: Was RM built on these first and second reset newbies? Or did useful veterans wander in once you showed your mettle?
SeaMonkey:
Beefhawk: What about your AT silence? Your previous attempts were all very high profile...?
SeaMonkey: AT is not the place to build an alliance. You build alliance in Yuma Arizona. At least in my case.
*****************
The next few resets, those of RM's rise to dominance, are far better documented.
RM's third reset began innocuously enough, with the standard pact list and a low-key contact announcement on AT. Things began to get interesting when Mehul made one of his sporadic announcements on his kinky little announcements board...
******************
Well, my Earth 2025 kiddies, I've got good news and I've got bad news. I've also got a free email service (get your account at http://www.swirve.com/email).
Bad news first (If you REALLY want the good news first, just scoll down a bit, but I'm not guarunteeing that it'll make any sense).
Blake Gifford is no longer with Swirve. In fact, Blake's not even with the human race anymore. How did this happen? Well, according to Blake's, it all happened when he was settling in for his sixth viewing of Harry Potter (purely for reviewing purposes), and he felt something stab him in his backside. After working with me, he should be used to such things, but it still took him by suprise. He whipped around, hauled the used hypodermic from his rear end, and saw the note: "Haha, you have AIDS."
Blake, being the dedicated reviewer that he was, refused to let this interrupt his total absorbtion in the movie . Right after Harry Potter, he hopped into his station wagon and headed for the nearest testing facility. Did he really have AIDS? Before he could find out, a hatchet weilding car hijaker leapt out from his hiding place in Blake's back seat, taking both of them by suprise. Unfortunately, a logging truck chose this moment to change lanes, killing them both instantly. May he rest in peace.
Now, on to the good news!
I've taken the opportunity that Blake's sudden vacancy has given me and swirve.com (games.swirve.com/utopia - try it today!) to expand the business and hire two people to do the work of the late, great Blake Gifford. In fact, I like to think of it not as losing an important and valued employee, but as gaining a daughter (by which I mean utopia).
Introducing, Swirve's two newest employees!
Wally Kineval (Youngest and least known son of Evil, graduated from the Mississippi Institute of Topography summa cum laude with a degree in movie review and administration of fantasy webgames):
We're very excited to have Wally on board, we think he'll make us proud as the Grand High Wizard of Utopia and the Feller that Reviews Movies.
Ivar the Preheated (May have attended some high school... once):
When we stumbled upon Ivar, his life was characterized by a complete lack of drection. Huey Lewis and the News had broken up, and their biggest groupie didn't know what to do with his life. "Greatest Hits" albums just weren't cutting it any more. Ivar agreed to be our E2025 man in exchange for a salary that consisted entirely of five pound slabs or raw beef.
I hope you get to know and love our new staff as much as I have!
Mehul.
****************
At first, the Earth community welcomed Ivar with open arms (although they were carful to wash them afterwards). He was very active in deleting multis and giving feedback all over the boards and through email.
Meanwhile, RM was doing astonishingly well. Their 120 members were near the top in Average and Total Networth, with only a dozen clans ahead of them in the standings.
Then, all denmark broke loose.
Ivar announced that he had joined PETA and devoted his life to the prevention of cruelty to animals. In an effort to apply his newfound philosophy to all facets of his life, he announced that he would delete all posts and countries that contained derogatory references to his furry friends, stating "All the earth's creatures are just as sensitive as you are, they deserve my love too."
MD watched in horror as, one by one, all but 3 of their countries were deleted. Loc was quoted as saying "humping sheep is, in no way, detrimental to the animals."
MD wasn't alone. Omega lost the 20 countries of their elite "imprisoned weasel" division. RAGE lost several top countries due to fried chicken references. All of ARROW was deleted due to offensive bowhunting refences, the list goes on.
RM was virtually the only top alliance to go unscathed, and managed to take the top spot i
Member Jan 4th 11:41 PM
This is Rigor Mortis - A history
Whenever some would-be pundit lists the top 5 alliances in Earth History, there is always one name that we can count on seeing near the top of every list: Rigor Mortis (RM)
But, how much do you REALLY know about this most legendary and most feared of all 1A allainces? That's a question I've often asked myself, and I think I finally have an answer: a lot.
During the past few weeks, when it may have seemed that I was merely busy with real life and vacations and stuff, I've actually been wallowing through hundreds of archived posts, interviewing scores of legendary heroes and villians, and slowly untangling the threads of history.
So, ladies and homos, without further humping...
This is RIGOR MORTIS!
As you all may know, Rigor Mortis was founded by the now retired SeaMonkey about 10 resets ago now... it was his fifth attempt at a startup alliance.
Here is his announcement, posted soon after his unprecedented 7th retirement.
*******************
"RIGOR MORTIS IS SETTING IN"
Many of you have proclaimed my Earth 2025 leadership career dead. Seven resets and five failed alliances later, I'm ready to agree with you. As far as Earth 2025 is concerned, SeaMonkey has been proclaimed legally deceased.
That can mean only one thing, it's time for RIGOR MORTIS to finally set in.
I've learned from my previous failures (especially the third debacle), and am going to put all my money into one final attempt at creating a top alliance. We will be founded upon the following principles:
1) RM will be completely rigid, for obvious reasons. This isn't going to be a group of friends, this isn't going to be a tea party. This is going to be a well-greased supermachine. We're already dead, we don't have time for all the silly stuff.
2) I will be ruling RM with an iron fish. You don't comply, you'll be troutslapped.
3) Winning is the best thing ever. It's even better than those huge hot air balloon competitions where they have balloons shaped like various adult beverages.
I don't expect many veterans to join this venture, I realize that they may not be too happy about some of my previous alliances... it'll be their loss. Actually, it's already their loss. I'm dead.
-SeaMonkey
******************
Replies to this thread were good readin', the following post by "Bagellan" is a good example:
******************
SeaMonkey-
This time you've gone too far. In the beginning, you had promise. We tolerated you because you were eager and might have made something useful. After a few alliances and retirements, we tolerated you for the same reason one tolerates a trained monkey or a WWF wrassler: it's kinda fun to watch them be real dumb and get their brains bashed out. But now, you're just pathetic.
It'll go just like the last few: you'll recruit on AT, recruit ingame, and get a little clan together. You'll whine about farming. You'll declare war on an alliance thirty two times your size. You and all your members will be forcibly emasculated. Humiliated, you'll abandon your alliance and retire.
It's getting old.
-Bags
*****************
Following this announcement, Rigor Mortis and SeaMonkey simply vanished from AT. They were forgotton until a reset later, when a curious apparition appeared in the top 25 ANW listings. Those curious enough to visit e1.eesite.com/clans/RM.htm were mildly suprised to see 45 members, a respectable average, and a top 500 country named "Brine Shrimp don't get Rigor Mortis (#3229)."
As reset later, anyone looking in the top 25 TNW charts would have seen RM somewhere in the high teens. There were 70 members, led by "This Brine Shrimp is still pliable (#317)." Still not one stiffened corpse was seen on AT, a fellow couldn't even find an FA contact.
Curious about these early resets of silence, I interrogated SeaMonkey.
*****************
Beefhawk: Where WERE y'all during those first two resets?
SeaMonkey: Physically, I was in my friend's apartment, on the computer. Remember the "guy on the couch" in half baked? That was me, only I was the "guy on the computer." I lived on a stockpile of cracker-jacks and Tang. Those first two resets, I recruited and trained every member of Rigor Mortis. I was the only veteran, I was the only place the n00bs came for help or guidance. I built RM on my shoulders in those six months.
Beefhawk: You were the only veteran?
SeaMonkey: Unless you count a few tumbleweeds rolling through... I think there's about 25 vets who simply hop from start-up to startup... I got my share of them. Annoying little beggars, want top spots, all that... then they leave after eight days, leaving only an angry and profanity-based farewell post.
Beefhawk: I'd heard that SeaMonkeys were easy to train, did you amaze your family and friends?
SeaMonkey: I vanished from real life for that time. My family and friends were all on ICQ trying to learn an effective low-acre dict-casher. I think my friends were amazed, at least initially. They'd forget about me for weeks on end, then rediscover me at the computer. Basic sanitation would have required too much time away from the comp, instead I just rinsed in turpentine on occasion. Those were strange times.
Beefhawk: Was RM built on these first and second reset newbies? Or did useful veterans wander in once you showed your mettle?
SeaMonkey:
Beefhawk: What about your AT silence? Your previous attempts were all very high profile...?
SeaMonkey: AT is not the place to build an alliance. You build alliance in Yuma Arizona. At least in my case.
*****************
The next few resets, those of RM's rise to dominance, are far better documented.
RM's third reset began innocuously enough, with the standard pact list and a low-key contact announcement on AT. Things began to get interesting when Mehul made one of his sporadic announcements on his kinky little announcements board...
******************
Well, my Earth 2025 kiddies, I've got good news and I've got bad news. I've also got a free email service (get your account at http://www.swirve.com/email).
Bad news first (If you REALLY want the good news first, just scoll down a bit, but I'm not guarunteeing that it'll make any sense).
Blake Gifford is no longer with Swirve. In fact, Blake's not even with the human race anymore. How did this happen? Well, according to Blake's, it all happened when he was settling in for his sixth viewing of Harry Potter (purely for reviewing purposes), and he felt something stab him in his backside. After working with me, he should be used to such things, but it still took him by suprise. He whipped around, hauled the used hypodermic from his rear end, and saw the note: "Haha, you have AIDS."
Blake, being the dedicated reviewer that he was, refused to let this interrupt his total absorbtion in the movie . Right after Harry Potter, he hopped into his station wagon and headed for the nearest testing facility. Did he really have AIDS? Before he could find out, a hatchet weilding car hijaker leapt out from his hiding place in Blake's back seat, taking both of them by suprise. Unfortunately, a logging truck chose this moment to change lanes, killing them both instantly. May he rest in peace.
Now, on to the good news!
I've taken the opportunity that Blake's sudden vacancy has given me and swirve.com (games.swirve.com/utopia - try it today!) to expand the business and hire two people to do the work of the late, great Blake Gifford. In fact, I like to think of it not as losing an important and valued employee, but as gaining a daughter (by which I mean utopia).
Introducing, Swirve's two newest employees!
Wally Kineval (Youngest and least known son of Evil, graduated from the Mississippi Institute of Topography summa cum laude with a degree in movie review and administration of fantasy webgames):
We're very excited to have Wally on board, we think he'll make us proud as the Grand High Wizard of Utopia and the Feller that Reviews Movies.
Ivar the Preheated (May have attended some high school... once):
When we stumbled upon Ivar, his life was characterized by a complete lack of drection. Huey Lewis and the News had broken up, and their biggest groupie didn't know what to do with his life. "Greatest Hits" albums just weren't cutting it any more. Ivar agreed to be our E2025 man in exchange for a salary that consisted entirely of five pound slabs or raw beef.
I hope you get to know and love our new staff as much as I have!
Mehul.
****************
At first, the Earth community welcomed Ivar with open arms (although they were carful to wash them afterwards). He was very active in deleting multis and giving feedback all over the boards and through email.
Meanwhile, RM was doing astonishingly well. Their 120 members were near the top in Average and Total Networth, with only a dozen clans ahead of them in the standings.
Then, all denmark broke loose.
Ivar announced that he had joined PETA and devoted his life to the prevention of cruelty to animals. In an effort to apply his newfound philosophy to all facets of his life, he announced that he would delete all posts and countries that contained derogatory references to his furry friends, stating "All the earth's creatures are just as sensitive as you are, they deserve my love too."
MD watched in horror as, one by one, all but 3 of their countries were deleted. Loc was quoted as saying "humping sheep is, in no way, detrimental to the animals."
MD wasn't alone. Omega lost the 20 countries of their elite "imprisoned weasel" division. RAGE lost several top countries due to fried chicken references. All of ARROW was deleted due to offensive bowhunting refences, the list goes on.
RM was virtually the only top alliance to go unscathed, and managed to take the top spot i