Aug 22nd 2018, 14:32:57
Croaker's Tour of AT
The limo pulls up to the front of the high-rise building, and I walk over to the car as the Newbie gets out.
Croaker-"Welcome to the Alliance Talk Board Headquarters. You ready for the grand tour?"
Newbie-"Yeah, this is my first time playing in game A. I read General Talk and the Strat Board all the time, but I never bothered with AT. But now that I'm trying to start my own alliance, I really need to know what's going on here."
Croaker-"Ok, then, I'll show you around. Come on."
I hold the door for him, then follow him into the AT reception hall.
Newbie-"What are all the security people for?"
Croaker-"Oh, they're the mods, they're here to prevent spammers and people from Utopia from getting in here."
Newbie-"They look powerful. I bet no spammers ever get in."
Croaker-(laughing) "Well, they wouldn't, except that the back door is unlocked and unguarded."
Newbie-"So what happens when a spammer DOES get in?"
Croaker-"Oh, we have well established security protocols to handle a situation like that. Whenever a spammer does get in, everyone gathers here in the reception hall and, in unision, says: 'Damn spammer. Get a life', then hopes they go away."
Newbie-"So who is that mod on the phone with? Mehul?"
Croaker-(Laughing hysterically) "Mehul? Oh, man, that's funny...no, he's selling his mod password to the highest bidder...alliance leaders like having mod access so they can delete posts about their alliance they don't like. On the phone with Mehul...you newbies crack me up sometimes."
Newbie-"Ok, so what's behind these doors?"
Croaker-"Well, these are mainly miscellaneous offices down here...come on, let's take a look."
Newbie-"There's nothing but T's in this room."
Croaker-"Yes, that's the 'TTT' room. Anyone who needs their thread moved up comes here and grabs three."
Newbie-"Ok, what about this one? There's 20 typewriters in here, but no paper. What is this for?"
Croaker-"Yes, this is the Broken Thread office. This is where you go when you want to work on a reply for half an hour, then have it not show up when you post it because the thread is too big. The mods check in here once in a while, but they'll wait until after you waste all your time."
Newbie-"And the last room on this side? How come there isn't a window on the door?"
Croaker-"Oh, this is where unauthenticated people post from. Every alliance leader has a secret door in their office that leads down to here, so they can stir up trouble without anyone knowing it's them. Come on, let me show you what's on the other side of the hall."
The right side of the floor is one large room, with a door in the middle and glass walls. Thousands of people are milling around inside. A group of 100 or so, mostly teenagers, are gathered near the door, talking excitedly to each other.
Newbie-"Wow, there's a lot of people in here. Who are these kids in the front?"
Croaker-"Those are all leaders of small clans. They spend their whole day in here, trying to recruit each other. You should see it when a real alliance leader walks by on his way upstairs...they all rush to the window and shout 'I want to establish relations with your alliance! We're going to be powerful this round!'...it's a riot."
Newbie-"I can just imagine. So, who are all those guys in the back? The ones that all look alike, and don't seem to ever say anything?"
Croaker-"Oh, those are multis. Ignore them...Mehul does."
Newbie-"Ok, one last question here...who's that guy standing by himself in the corner yelling 'JOIN KILL!'?"
Croaker-"Oh, that's Lance. Come on, we better get going before he starts into his 'TGA Sux!' routine."
We get in the elevator, and I push the button for the 10th floor.
Newbie-"Why are we skipping 2-9? What's on those floors?"
Croaker-"Oh, those used to be the offices of a bunch of alliances that were absorbed into FoG, the new coalition. HAN, Legion and TGA are the only ones who have kept their old offices. Here we are, the HAN floor."
When the door opens, we see five Korean men standing in a semi-circle, repeating the phrase 'HAN does NOT retaliate 4:1' over and over.
Newbie-"Why do they keep saying that?"
Croaker-"Well, they feel that if they say it often enough, people will start to ignore the in-game news, and actually believe that."
Newbie-"And who are all those people in the waiting area with their hands held out?"
Croaker-"Oh, those are all the poeple who are still waiting for HAN to pay them the reps they owe. Come on, we have a lot more floors to check out."
We get back in the elevator, and take it up to the next floor, the TGA offices.
Newbie-"How come there's only 2 desks in here?"
Croaker-"Alharzed and cocheese are the only two who ever post anything. Once in a while WallyWolf breaks in here and trashes the place; they keep changing the locks but he still gets in somehow. Come on, there's not much else to see here...let's go up to the next floor."
We step out of the elevator into a completely dark room.
Croaker-"This is it, the home of the legendary Legion, formerly known as ROCK."
Newbie-"So how come no one is here? And why are all the lights turned off?"
Croaker-"Oh, they don't ever come here, AT is beneath them. You see, they have their own separate office, it's called Gamerstown. Mizuno stops by once a week or so and waters the plants, but that's about it. Come on, let's get going."
When the doors open on the next floor, we see a blank white wall blocking our view completely.
Croaker-"Hmm, this wasn't here before. Hello? Is this the FoG offices?"
Voice from the other side-"We can't say. I mean, we won't say."
Croaker-"Well, I'm giving a tour here...can you just give me a list of who all works in these offices?"
Voice-"Nope. Contact Don Mach if you have any questions. He won't answer any of them, but do it anyway. We're not responsible for you not asking. "
Croaker-"Oh well, no point wasting any time here. Come on, let's go."
I skip the next 7 floors, talking about each as we pass them.
Croaker-"These are the TSA alliances, nothing much interesting here...the smaller ones don't ever say much, MD doesn't say much, SOL doesn't say much either...we'll stop here, though, this is one of the newest members of TSA, Omega...brace yourself.
When the door opens on the Omega floor, the sound is almost defeaning. Hundreds of people typing furiously, papers flying everywhere, yelling, screaming, laughing.
Newbie-"Wow...these are all Omega members posting here? I didn't know they were this big."
Croaker-"Well, no one has been able to prove it, but we suspect they sub-contract out a lot of their spamming. Come on, we better get moving before we get hit with something. Or offered some vegimite."
Our next stop is at the offices of UCN. Before the door is half open, Fingolfin is yelling at me.
Fin-"Make sure you tell him we have the highest Avg NW/total NW ratio! And save that new FoG thread! And you still didn't update the member list! And don't forget to..."
Finally, the 'close door' button kicks in, and I slump against the wall of the elevator.
Newbie-"That's where you work?"
Croaker-"Yeah. Some day, when you have a lot of free time, I'll have to tell you about 'the overlooked greatness of Fingolfin'. Ah, here we are, next floor-LaF."
When the door opens, three heavily armed Dons confront us.
First Don-"You can't fool us, Gram. You're not getting in this time."
Croaker-"Jeez, you guys are jumpy. Ok, we'll leave you alone. Come on Newbie, let's get out of here."
The Don's continue aiming at us until the door is completely closed.
Newbie-"What's their problem?"
Croaker-"Gramberto. Keeps sneaking into their offices somehow, sends them mail bots...it's a bad situation. Oh well...here we are, next floor, TIE."
The first thing that catches your eye is the three desks spinning around each other in the middle of the room.
Newbie-"Wow, I've never seen anything like that before."
Croaker-"That's where Patience, Viper and Inferno sit. If you listen closely, you can hear the 'musical chairs' song in the background."
Newbie-"So what's that dartboard used for?"
Croaker-"Oh, that's how they make foreign policy descisions. Usually Patience gives an order, then Viper and Inferno make her stand in front of the dartboard while they decide if they agree with it or not."
Newbie-"I see. And what's that big red phone on Viper's desk for?"
Croaker-"Oh, that's his direct line to Legion command. He's the only one who can order Legion to go to war. Those maintance guys are switching it over to the new FoG number now."
Newbie-"How many more floors are there in here? Are we close to the top yet?"
Croaker-"Yes, almost there. Four more floors left, and we can skip the next one anyway, it's RAGE's office, and they're never there, always out fighitng a war. Here we are, this is an interesting floor."
When the door opens, we can see small pools of light in an otherwise dark room. Shadowy figures are typing furiously, wearing hats, ski masks, or some other sort of disguise.
Newbie-"Who are these people?"
Croaker-"These are the Observers, Watchers, Lookers, Informants, Insiders, and Sony. Truly, some of the most powerful people in the game...their words can make or break a war, a merger, even your whole round...you're not a 'real' alliance until you're mentioned in one of their rankings threads...they're all heavy drinkers, too, because it just KILLS them that they can't brag about how good they are as who they REALLY are. The whole building has a big pool going to see who cracks first. Or accidentally signs their real name or something."
We get back in the elevator, and go up to the second to last floor.
Croaker-"Ok, this is the office of the Vice President of AT, doobie. Good afternoon, doobie. I'm giving this newbie a tour, do you have anything to say to him?"
doobie-"it's not good, and it's not afternoon....he's not a newbie....gimme a break...I wouldn't talk to him if my life depended on it...idiot...you don't have ANY proof of that...none....zero...you can make all the hysterical claims you want, I don't care..."
Croaker-(whispering to Newbie) See how he is? But now, watch this: (aloud, to doobie) This newbie here has a problem with finding out who's in FoG and who isn't."
doobie-"That's what I want to know...this kid has a good point...Mach, you're an idiot...it's just a simple quesiton he has...why can't you just answer his question?...kid, if you have any problems with them, you come right to me..."
Croaker-"Ok, come on, one last stop to make before we're done. doobie, nice talking to you again."
doobie-"No it wasn't...tell my secretary to get Mach on the phone on your way out...what an idiot...he has no proof....none..."
We pass on the message, then get back into the elevator.
Newbie-"So, one floor left, we just visisted the Vice President of Alliance Talk, that means we must be going to see the President, right?"
Croaker-"Yup."
Newbie-"Cool, I can't wait to meet Mehul."
Croaker-"That was funny at first, but now it's just old. Mehul doesn't even know where this building IS, never mind work here. No, there's only one man who's earned the title of President..."
The doors open, revealing a penthouse office overlooking the most idylic TGA landfarm you ever saw in your life. Behind a massive oak desk with three computers on it a man is typing so fast his fingers seem like a blur, one hand on each keyboard while he works the middle on with this toes.
Croaker-(whispering to Newbie) "Kneel down." (aloud) "All hail Mighty Ghost."
President Mighty Ghost, without slowing his typing at all, looks up at the Newbie.
President Mighty Ghost-"You wish to start posting on AT, my son?"
Newbie-"I don't know now. Croaker went to all this trouble to give me the tour, and now he can't think of a good ending."
Croaker-"It's true, Mr. President. I'm stumped. Worked on this damn thing for three hours, too." Please insert a good ending here.
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